Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Dear god my vagina.
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