btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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