I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
