I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
