Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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