Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize