so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
