Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
