I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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