Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
