She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
