between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize