I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize