Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
