My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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