You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
