U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
