I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
