I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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