I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
How external is "for external use only"?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
