Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize