We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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