I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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