I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
