I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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