Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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