just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Gay?
German.
Pity.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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