I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
