I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
