i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
