i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
