I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
