totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
