Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
