I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
