My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You ate ashes out of my bong
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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