I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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