I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
