I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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