we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
