I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
