so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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