okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
