good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
