my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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