I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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