if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
