oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize