I checked into jail on foursquare
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
