who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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