You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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