Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
