I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
