We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Randomize