"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
