U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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